HUMAN BODY STROKES… DIVINE STROKES
(A story of a stroke patient, touched by Divine strokes of love)
By: Belina S. Katigbak
April 8, 2009- Holy Wednesday
“Lord in your great love, answer me…” (Psalm 69:14b)
Today’s Responsorial Psalm aptly describes my inner pleas to God.
I continue to ask God to have mercy and answer our prayers.
During the past few months, I have witnessed the pain and suffering of my beloved sister Rose, a victim of advance stage four-cancer that led to her demise last January 16, 2009. When Rose died, something deep inside me ached. My poor mind could hardly comprehend God’s plan of not healing her but faith allowed me to embrace God’s will of keeping her in eternity.
One and half months after Rose died, I myself have experienced another face of pain, hurts and suffering. On March 2, my husband, Nok almost succumbed to multiple brain strokes that led to a hospital confinement for 28 days. It was distressing to count the moments every day in the hospital, unmindful of the next episode of stroke, anxious about the doctors’ complicated diagnoses, frightened about the complications of every procedure and the side effects of medicines, hurt by the tantrums and bad temper of the stroke patient, overwhelmed by the skyrocketing hospital bill, wearied by financial obligations back home and weakened by sleepless nights and tiredness. Oh, how I longed for home…! Everyday was an ordeal! I asked for prayers from family members, communities of friends and co-workers, at the same time that I kept private Nok’s confinement and concurred with the neurologist’s recommendation of limited visits. I did not disclose much information about Nok’s condition. He had an NGT put through his nose. His prostate was blocking urine pass and so a catheter was inserted on him. An IV was inserted through his hand. He had intermittent episodes of coughs, and hiccups. He was always at high risk of aspiration because his swallowing mechanism was impaired. He felt dizzy most of the time. When given medicines, he would fall asleep but would hallucinate and say sorts of things, had episodes of jerking and disorientation. Many times, he forgot where he was. Then all of a sudden, he would feel like getting up and insisted doing so, forgetting that the blocks to the brain impaired his balance and he was at high risk of falling if left unattended. Sometimes, he would pull the NGT and the IV. There was a need for 24-hour guarding, or else, mishaps could happen. And they did! He had NGT and IV re-insertion for a number of times.
I savored the “aloneness” of this “misery” most of the time. The Rosary, which I held on my hand, was my constant companion. During the Magnetic Resonance Imaging/Analysis (MRI/MRA), MR Perfusion, 2D Echo, Carotid Study, Gastroscopy, Modified Barium Swallow procedures, etc… I prayed the Mysteries endlessly as I waited outside the laboratories. While keeping watch during the blood transfusion from past midnight till the wee hours of the morning, the Rosary kept me company. I prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy not just at 3 o’clock in the afternoon but at 3 in the morning as well, whenever I had to relieve my son Jay-Jay, Tei, his wife, or the caregiver at past midnight. There were days that my in-laws or their house helpers would relieve me so I could re-energize.
One late night, I was alone and slept on the chairs outside the intra-vascular laboratory while waiting for the studies being done on Nok. What was more stressful was the waiting time for the results of the procedures. It was further stressful to see how Nok was going through all these. And there was greater stress when I had to absorb Nok’s pains as he often expressed rejections of my care and had negative perceptions of the things I was doing. Oh yes, it was quite challenging to be on guard over my emotions! I convinced myself that it was not Nok doing the hurts on me, but it was his sickness that was causing me harm. I had to make a paradigm shift…that it is not about his lack of love that was hurting me, but it was the sickness itself that was separating us from each other. When he needed to shout at me, I felt so bad, feeling that he disrespected me. But eventually I resolved that it is not about disrespect or lack of love why he was behaving that way, but it was the drugs that made him that way. Sometimes I asked God why I had to suffer the consequence of Nok’s stubbornness. I was rebelling inside. I used to remind Nok to take care of himself and to eat the right food. He used to resent my reminders and we often ended up not talking to each other when he would not listen. I spent my prayer time crying to God…why does He punish me? Why must I bear the consequence of everything? Then, I had certain remorse, how I also neglected Nok in the past. I cried and asked forgiveness from God. I knew then that this is God’s way of allowing me to make up with my husband.
The conference with Nok’s attending doctors was heart-rending. The complications of the stroke were discussed. Nok might benefit from a neuro-surgery procedure, such as brain angiogram to determine if angioplasty is doable. Without any further procedure, he would be at a greater risk of stroke each year. I could hardly control my tears when the doctor said that if in six months, Nok could not regain his swallowing mechanism, he would be on tube-feeding for the rest of his life. How could a simple man who just loves to eat endure?
After days of waiting, hoping, and praying that God would take over, a severe intestinal bleeding occurred; this postponed the recommended neuro-surgery procedure. The absence of clearance from the gastro-intestinal doctor was a blessing in disguise. Maybe God does not want to put Nok into further risks.
My feeling of “aloneness” was alleviated by the love and concern of a lot of people - family members, relatives, friends and members of communities. They were so concerned and offered prayers, sacrifices, a helping hand and other forms of consolation. They were instruments of God’s divine stroke and their love found expression in many varied forms. The text messages and calls, even without prompt replies from me kept my cellular phone beeping and ringing. Priests and bishops prayed over Nok, conferred blessings and administered the Sacraments. Love offerings in kind and in cash came pouring in. Pledges from family members were received. Prayers and sacrifices were offered for Nok. The Benedictine Community of Marikina kept vigil with lighted candle for Nok. Our parish priest enjoined the parish community to offer a Holy Hour as the Blessed Sacrament was exposed in the church solely for the fast recovery and healing of Nok. Many Masses were said and communities united in prayer for Nok’s fast recovery. What more could I ask for? I realized that I was not alone! The people we love and who love us are one with us. The generosity of our loved ones, friends and family members saw us through. Nok’s siblings shouldered the bulk of the hospital bills. On the other hand, Kit, my sister Rose’s husband took care of our other financial obligations. His very own experience of pain and suffering made him even more compassionate that he fully understood everything that I was going through. His unconditional love is also a gift from God!
March 27, the day we left the hospital was indeed a much-awaited day! Going out of the hospital was not yet the time to be “home” as we had to stay at the house of Ernesto and Tet Lim, Nok’s brother-in-law and sister in Manila . Nevertheless, it was almost “home” to us, with the cordial welcome of the Lim Family and most of our needs being well taken care of.
As I look back on those days of agony, I realized that all the goodness and kind gestures of the people surrounding us near and from afar are all divine strokes and ways of God to pour out graces and love. I could not have endured it all without God’s intervention.
Nok was happy to be out of the hospital, without an NGT! God performed a miracle! Nok could already swallow solids and thickened liquids. Thanks also to the wonder of science and divine inspiration! With the invention of “Thick and Easy”, swallowing of thin liquid was made easy.
In a follow-up check-up, the neuro-surgeon said that, without the procedure being done on Nok, he is at 15-20% risk of stroke each year. Yet, the neuro-surgeon reiterated that if Nok does undergo the procedure, there is 8% risk ranging from death to mild stroke while doing the procedure. With such complications, I am left with no choice now but to deepen my faith in God Who alone knows. In God, it’s either 0% or 100%! All in His hands!
One thing that I learned from this experience is that God would never leave us. Yes, there are desolations as well as consolations, but definitely, the consolations far outweigh the desolations. God just used the ailment of Nok - human body strokes to make me experience in a deeper way the divine strokes. God’s strokes do not cause clots or blocks, rather, they enable. Certainly, the love that I experienced from all those who helped us enabled me to move on.
Truly, “in the Lord’s great love, He answers us”.
(A story of a stroke patient, touched by Divine strokes of love)
By: Belina S. Katigbak
April 8, 2009- Holy Wednesday
“Lord in your great love, answer me…” (Psalm 69:14b)
Today’s Responsorial Psalm aptly describes my inner pleas to God.
I continue to ask God to have mercy and answer our prayers.
During the past few months, I have witnessed the pain and suffering of my beloved sister Rose, a victim of advance stage four-cancer that led to her demise last January 16, 2009. When Rose died, something deep inside me ached. My poor mind could hardly comprehend God’s plan of not healing her but faith allowed me to embrace God’s will of keeping her in eternity.
One and half months after Rose died, I myself have experienced another face of pain, hurts and suffering. On March 2, my husband, Nok almost succumbed to multiple brain strokes that led to a hospital confinement for 28 days. It was distressing to count the moments every day in the hospital, unmindful of the next episode of stroke, anxious about the doctors’ complicated diagnoses, frightened about the complications of every procedure and the side effects of medicines, hurt by the tantrums and bad temper of the stroke patient, overwhelmed by the skyrocketing hospital bill, wearied by financial obligations back home and weakened by sleepless nights and tiredness. Oh, how I longed for home…! Everyday was an ordeal! I asked for prayers from family members, communities of friends and co-workers, at the same time that I kept private Nok’s confinement and concurred with the neurologist’s recommendation of limited visits. I did not disclose much information about Nok’s condition. He had an NGT put through his nose. His prostate was blocking urine pass and so a catheter was inserted on him. An IV was inserted through his hand. He had intermittent episodes of coughs, and hiccups. He was always at high risk of aspiration because his swallowing mechanism was impaired. He felt dizzy most of the time. When given medicines, he would fall asleep but would hallucinate and say sorts of things, had episodes of jerking and disorientation. Many times, he forgot where he was. Then all of a sudden, he would feel like getting up and insisted doing so, forgetting that the blocks to the brain impaired his balance and he was at high risk of falling if left unattended. Sometimes, he would pull the NGT and the IV. There was a need for 24-hour guarding, or else, mishaps could happen. And they did! He had NGT and IV re-insertion for a number of times.
I savored the “aloneness” of this “misery” most of the time. The Rosary, which I held on my hand, was my constant companion. During the Magnetic Resonance Imaging/Analysis (MRI/MRA), MR Perfusion, 2D Echo, Carotid Study, Gastroscopy, Modified Barium Swallow procedures, etc… I prayed the Mysteries endlessly as I waited outside the laboratories. While keeping watch during the blood transfusion from past midnight till the wee hours of the morning, the Rosary kept me company. I prayed the Chaplet of the Divine Mercy not just at 3 o’clock in the afternoon but at 3 in the morning as well, whenever I had to relieve my son Jay-Jay, Tei, his wife, or the caregiver at past midnight. There were days that my in-laws or their house helpers would relieve me so I could re-energize.
One late night, I was alone and slept on the chairs outside the intra-vascular laboratory while waiting for the studies being done on Nok. What was more stressful was the waiting time for the results of the procedures. It was further stressful to see how Nok was going through all these. And there was greater stress when I had to absorb Nok’s pains as he often expressed rejections of my care and had negative perceptions of the things I was doing. Oh yes, it was quite challenging to be on guard over my emotions! I convinced myself that it was not Nok doing the hurts on me, but it was his sickness that was causing me harm. I had to make a paradigm shift…that it is not about his lack of love that was hurting me, but it was the sickness itself that was separating us from each other. When he needed to shout at me, I felt so bad, feeling that he disrespected me. But eventually I resolved that it is not about disrespect or lack of love why he was behaving that way, but it was the drugs that made him that way. Sometimes I asked God why I had to suffer the consequence of Nok’s stubbornness. I was rebelling inside. I used to remind Nok to take care of himself and to eat the right food. He used to resent my reminders and we often ended up not talking to each other when he would not listen. I spent my prayer time crying to God…why does He punish me? Why must I bear the consequence of everything? Then, I had certain remorse, how I also neglected Nok in the past. I cried and asked forgiveness from God. I knew then that this is God’s way of allowing me to make up with my husband.
The conference with Nok’s attending doctors was heart-rending. The complications of the stroke were discussed. Nok might benefit from a neuro-surgery procedure, such as brain angiogram to determine if angioplasty is doable. Without any further procedure, he would be at a greater risk of stroke each year. I could hardly control my tears when the doctor said that if in six months, Nok could not regain his swallowing mechanism, he would be on tube-feeding for the rest of his life. How could a simple man who just loves to eat endure?
After days of waiting, hoping, and praying that God would take over, a severe intestinal bleeding occurred; this postponed the recommended neuro-surgery procedure. The absence of clearance from the gastro-intestinal doctor was a blessing in disguise. Maybe God does not want to put Nok into further risks.
My feeling of “aloneness” was alleviated by the love and concern of a lot of people - family members, relatives, friends and members of communities. They were so concerned and offered prayers, sacrifices, a helping hand and other forms of consolation. They were instruments of God’s divine stroke and their love found expression in many varied forms. The text messages and calls, even without prompt replies from me kept my cellular phone beeping and ringing. Priests and bishops prayed over Nok, conferred blessings and administered the Sacraments. Love offerings in kind and in cash came pouring in. Pledges from family members were received. Prayers and sacrifices were offered for Nok. The Benedictine Community of Marikina kept vigil with lighted candle for Nok. Our parish priest enjoined the parish community to offer a Holy Hour as the Blessed Sacrament was exposed in the church solely for the fast recovery and healing of Nok. Many Masses were said and communities united in prayer for Nok’s fast recovery. What more could I ask for? I realized that I was not alone! The people we love and who love us are one with us. The generosity of our loved ones, friends and family members saw us through. Nok’s siblings shouldered the bulk of the hospital bills. On the other hand, Kit, my sister Rose’s husband took care of our other financial obligations. His very own experience of pain and suffering made him even more compassionate that he fully understood everything that I was going through. His unconditional love is also a gift from God!
March 27, the day we left the hospital was indeed a much-awaited day! Going out of the hospital was not yet the time to be “home” as we had to stay at the house of Ernesto and Tet Lim, Nok’s brother-in-law and sister in Manila . Nevertheless, it was almost “home” to us, with the cordial welcome of the Lim Family and most of our needs being well taken care of.
As I look back on those days of agony, I realized that all the goodness and kind gestures of the people surrounding us near and from afar are all divine strokes and ways of God to pour out graces and love. I could not have endured it all without God’s intervention.
Nok was happy to be out of the hospital, without an NGT! God performed a miracle! Nok could already swallow solids and thickened liquids. Thanks also to the wonder of science and divine inspiration! With the invention of “Thick and Easy”, swallowing of thin liquid was made easy.
In a follow-up check-up, the neuro-surgeon said that, without the procedure being done on Nok, he is at 15-20% risk of stroke each year. Yet, the neuro-surgeon reiterated that if Nok does undergo the procedure, there is 8% risk ranging from death to mild stroke while doing the procedure. With such complications, I am left with no choice now but to deepen my faith in God Who alone knows. In God, it’s either 0% or 100%! All in His hands!
One thing that I learned from this experience is that God would never leave us. Yes, there are desolations as well as consolations, but definitely, the consolations far outweigh the desolations. God just used the ailment of Nok - human body strokes to make me experience in a deeper way the divine strokes. God’s strokes do not cause clots or blocks, rather, they enable. Certainly, the love that I experienced from all those who helped us enabled me to move on.
Truly, “in the Lord’s great love, He answers us”.
